I'll never light your eyes up like they should

20050702

i was thinking about my friends and i realise how fragile friendships are like really really fragile. and how we're surrounded by sooooooo many friends/acquaintances but there's only that handful you can really count on.sometimes you wonder what it'll be like without them or how life would have been if you weren't friends. like nizam told me once somebody told him, you dont need many friends, just a few will do. indeed indeed. on friday when we were out, as usual we'll always play that little game of ours and then when u think about it, the no. of ppl you meet who you call friends how many of them actually really know you? how many of them do actually mean it when they tell you they love you and how many of them actually know that you like to eat the burnt bottom of bread and that you talk in your sleep? it's amazing how you can be the best of friends in a year and the next, just cos you see less of each other and drift apart, the next year, you walk past each other in town with just a "hi" and how friendships can turn ugly and you lose them. when i think about it, personally i have a small circle of friends, people who i know i can lean on and depend on, but many friends really. but what's most important is that small circle of friends who have your heart and how i always, always fear losing them. when i think about it, it scares me. it really does. although you may say, we'll probably move on and all, deep down inside it probably will hurt like mad. i've lost friends who meant alot and honestly, it still hurts alot when you think about it but you still move on - you have no choice but to move on. i feel blessed to have that small circle who have my heart, like totally, and along with the others who mean alot to me and who have a little piece of it - each and everyone. hmmm... i dunno why i typed this but i think it's cos i'm just afraid of losing people, like time is passing so quickly and sooner or later we all got to leave each other like you leave jc and schools or even the country. yeah, very afraid actually cos it's like what i learnt in beloved it goes something like, Paul D told Sethe that you cannot love somebody with all your heart and you gotta love little by little cos that way you still have enough love to go around when you lose somebody but Sethe doesnt agree with Paul D. i dont either, maybe that's why when you love people around you alot, it hurts more. but i believe that the more you love, the more love you got to give. and it's sad that we've got so little time to spend time with all the friends that you love so very much aint it. like since everyone's so busy and we see so little of each other and all it's hard but for these people you know that somewhere out there they're thinking of you, missing you, loving you still and how when they give you a call or sms it just brigtens up your day. and at the end of it all even if you havent talked or fill each other up with your happenings, when you're down in the dumps and you need that someone to talk to, you know that person will be there and it doesnt feel weird. that's your friend, right there.
myheartstrings;maxwhitneymarianneyashiranadiah

shamphoo let go on 10:42