I'll never light your eyes up like they should

20050516

i dont even know how to begin stringing my words together about what happened today. it was terrible. screwed upside-down, inside out, left right, front back - seriously. it's amazing how somethign so small, insignificant could turn out to be so horrible and complicating and also at the expense of others.

maybe we didnt know what we were thinking, maybe we didnt think rationally before saying or doing smth i dunno. but all i felt was that it couldve been something that could be looked over. i dunno - i guess i was wrong.i wouldnt say i was to be blamed entirely, i wouldnt say that i was at fault either. but im sorry because of that stupid, ridiculous, small thing that we had intended to do got the team into the whole episode else well. i wished he couldve just blasted it at us rather than got the whole team involved. am very very sorry. nonetheless, i am very thankful for having such wonderful teammates who were very understanding and didnt blame us at all. thank you.

but it seriously hurt to be wrongly accused and unjustified. worse when you cant do anything to explain stuff cos it's just gonna make matters worse. and all you can do is listen and nod and swallow everything. it was really hard. i tried to be strong when he said it the first time round and be there for marianne but after that really cannot tahan i just felt sooo cheated.how one freaking incident can changed everything. i was almost at a point that i was actually angry at him for saying such stuff. it was just a case of misunderstand, miscommunication and to say that i take my place in the team for granted is too much. it hurts really. never did it cross my mind at all that i ever take my position in the first team for granted. i worked my way to get it. i know im know talented in hockey i dont have inate skills in me , im not even a more than average player - but it was the desire to want it so badly cos i know how it feels to be second choice. i was never the first choice ever. i never thought i was. it never did cross my mind and the thought of beign second choice just irks me that was why i try so hard. only qing knew how terrible i felt at the beginning cos i felt second best. and how i wanted so badly to be first choice. and seriously i think it was unfair that he judged me likewise cos of what happened today but i understand maybe he was just really pissed but i felt as though i was deprived the chance to explain myself. my fault too i know. but not entirely. it was really stupid. and i felt to a certain extent it was unreasonable. i believe that we know our priorities we wouldnt have wanted to go the damn thing if our ct didnt tell us that it was compulsory and that she was gonna take attendance for it. and i wouldnt do so at the expense of training and i didnt even know it was called training today. i seriously thought it was just a run i didnt even know he was timing today. sigh. if only everything didnt happened. and i know that we're not nonchalant about training more so tournaments. it's so unjustified to say that we're lossening the grip on the trophy. damn it la. and worse i think alot of ppl saw us cry which was embarrassing la. i think mostly the hockey guys. sigh and it sucks when ppl keep asking if u're alright and then it harder when u have to explain everything to them.

nevermind, 2 more weeks and season will be over. i wont let what happeend get to me and affect the way i play. am gonna get it . gonna get that damn trophy to stay in vj. damn it. but i can totally understand if he wants to bench me on thurs for the semis. not my call. i jsut wished he wouldve let us explain ourselves. oh well. at least when to cut hair and snipping off some of the hair felt as though was snipping off the bad shit that happeend today. i just hoe things will be fine and that it'll return to normal. sigh

shamphoo let go on 07:21