I'll never light your eyes up like they should

20050314

this is really crazy cos i dunno what to think anymore. it's like it's been bugging me for god-knows-how-long and all i've been doing is chucking it aside and pretend that everything's okay and everything's fine. and that at the end of the day things will be just fine. like things will be normal. but no reality hit me really hard today. [not like it didnt before] but really. i really realised it all today. i've talked about it to few close friends before. and how yeah like someone quoted " it takes two hands to clap" but when i think about it it's not like both hands dont wanna clap. to me it feels like we both try but it just doesnt feel rite anymore. sigh. everything's jumbled up in my mind. i dunno what to think. cant think coherently. but im really really afraid cos sigh ive been having these feelings actually for a long long long long long time. and just to reiterate my point - really all these while, all ive been doing is chucking it at the back of my mind and wishing and praying it's all just ... well... hoping it'll all be okay. but i doubt so.

thing is i feel like as each day goes by , im losing my bestfriend even more and more and more.

i dunno. i know you'll probably read this. actually im qt sure you will. but thing is that i dont think i can supress everything inside me anymore. i dont think i can continue chucking that horrible feeling at the back of my mind anymore. but i cant seem to bring myself to talk to you about this either cos honestly, i just cant. maybe im afraid. maybe i know whatever i wanna say will come out all wrong. but it's cos i dont want to lose my best friend. i lost a friend last year. and you know who's that. it was terrible. and i dunno, it's either i've changed or you've changed actually i think both of us changed and that it seems that our changes are so vast or smth that it's hard to communicate anymore. i feel so lost from your world. i feel that what i live for, what i beleieve in, my principles, my way of life are so different from yours that... i sometimes feel you dont understand me the way you used to. and no doubt sometimes i find myself not understanding you because you're so different.

when we go out or when we talk on the phone, sometimes teh silences feel odd not like before when the silences were comfortable.i dunno, i sometimes find myself not knowing what to say to you. and sometimes i feel that i cant talk to you anymore about stuff. stuff that really matters to me. im not blaming you for anything here. cos i know that you're trying and just to let you know that im trying as well. but sometimes it's really hard and i dunno compromise neevr seem to be enough? you cant deny that you've changed and i wont deny that i've changed. and things are different. i miss the old times really. and being so distant [ although we're both still on this tiny island together] is tough. and sometimes to tell you the truth, i feel that the word bestie has become insignificant, lost it's meaning and becoming more of an obligation. more like just a term; a status; a title. dont you think so?

sigh i dunno. i just had to let it out. im sorry. i know it hurts. it hurts me more letting it all out. we've been thru this once. and now once again. i just need to let you know. i wanna fix things up or rather try and fix things.

hope is becoming such a weird looking word. but that doesnt mean i stop hoping.

damn.

shamphoo let go on 03:41