I'll never light your eyes up like they should

20050227

this sucks. i keep getting all this bad feelings and it sucks cos i cant do anything about it and even if i tried it's not enough. and it's scary cos i dont want to get all this bad feelings. and it's only for the past few days that all these bad feelings are affecting me. cos they sort of come true. like last nite. i was actually pretty chirpy and happy the whole day till night came and i was on the phone with whitney [ sorry girl, i know our 40min convo was rather erm.. irritating for you cos i was so unenthu or something] but i dunno somehow i just had this really really bad feeling and i was feeling all sad and stuff. then i had to talk to someone. and i tell you thank God for once i could call yashira and talk to her however long i like. cos her parents werent home. yay for that. then just as i called yash and tellingh er how terrible i was feeling. it came. qing broke the news to me in a matter of minutes. i just couldnt believe it. how bad feelings came true. i was just speechless for a moment. and yash i never would have guess what i'd do without you. thanks soooooooo much. life's just unfair really really. and all these bad feelings seem to link or smth i dunno. i just feel so very angry at what happened on friday even more. because it's just so so so very unfair.

but thanks yash for putting up with me for 3 hours on the phone really. initially although both of us were feeling terrible and sad and kept talking about how unfair everything was but we both know that God has His plans. and stuff. then we moved on to more light-hearted topics and yash cant's stop teasing me, you evil evil evil. and not malay drama okay.

anyway this morning, i dunno i just feel so sad and the tears just cant find it's way out although it already did last nite. but it's like i dunno my heart's so heavy i dunno what to do. i just kept thinking about it and i feel really reallyterrible. i dont feel like doing anything but just stare out into space and think about it. although i already did that like hald the time today. but it's like .... i dunno how to put it. i cant bring myself to smile, i have this blank stare in my eyes.

and now i have this bad feeling that school will be terrible tmrw. because i know i wont have the mood at all and it'll be irritating. and shit i just realised there's the m2m essay to hand in tmrw. see it's not a good start already...

shamphoo let go on 01:30